I can't sleep and its really pissing me off since I have to be up to get ready for work in 5 or 6 hours, depending on if I can motivate myself to exercise or not tomorrow, and I know I really should. The sad thing is, I think I'm mostly pissed off at the fact that I'm letting this affect me to the point of not being able to sleep. honestly, despite a basic feeling of being really bummed out, I was pretty much normal for most of the day. Seth was out on at his parents and we hung out most of the afternoon, which was good as I basically told him what happened, he sympathized and did the best friend thing. Then I told my parents tonight too, and they were shocked, but as long as I'm OK I guess they're OK too.

So the gory details. Since I can't sleep, I might as well vent, right? Obviously things between Elena and myself hadn't been great for awhile, from at least the end of January to now, although honestly, I think it really stretches back to after my birthday sometime, before Christmas. That's when she started getting depressed about the lack of forward motion in her career. I tried to be supportive while she was going through that, but she didn't make it easy to be, at least to me she made it difficult, closing herself off to me, canceling plans, that kind of thing. Then all of sudden she did a complete 180 and was solely focused on her career and nothing else. The idea of me and our relationship suddenly dropped off her priority list (at least thats what it seemed like to me) and we started butting heads about it.

I thought I was OK with her chasing her dream, and I think I was, I just wasn't OK with getting the shaft in the process. All I wanted was to get what I was giving her in return, and I wasn't. Looking back on our relationship, besides the first few months, before she went to London, I can't think of time that I got that from her, and that wasn't fair to me. After our weird lunch during the week I finally got a chance to talk to her about it on Friday. She was heading back from the city on the train and she was exhausted. It probably wasn't the best time to tell her how mad I was at her, but I really needed to get it off my chest and I was tired of waiting to do it. I doubt waiting would've saved our relationship, I just mention it because she said something about it when we talked, briefly, today.

Yeah, the breakup was pretty brief. She called around 10 AM saying she was coming over. I thought that was kind of weird, one because she called so early, and two because she made it sound like she wasn't staying long. Usually we spend most Sunday's together, but obviously not this Sunday. She came over, came into my room, turned off what I was watching and said we needed to talk. I kind of knew what was going to happen at this point. Honestly, earlier in the day I think I finally came to grips with the reality that our relationship was over and that were really just going through the motions up to that point, so I basically agreed with her when she said we shouldn't see each other anymore.

She said some things about not being happy and about us constantly butting heads and I agreed. I really didn't say much to her, and I'm not sure if I should have or not. I wasn't in the mood to fight anymore, or, if I'm telling the truth, I didn't want to fight to keep her anymore. It just wasn't worth it, I don't think. I deserve better I think. I deserve somehow who's going to love me back the way I love them, and I just wasn't getting it from Elena, and hadn't in a long time. So I guess it is for the best that we're going to go our separate ways. She's free now to chase her dreams, and good luck to her, I'm sure she'll need it. And I'm free to pursue what I want in life, whatever and whoever that may be.

Elena basically gave me back all the stuff she borrowed from me, mostly DVD's and packed up anything that was hers in my house, mostly clothes and her toothbrush, stuff like that. She started crying at some point, but again, I didn't say much. I just kind of sat there, petting Keyser. She had all her stuff together and was just standing there. I asked her what she wanted me to say, and she said to say goodbye. It was kind of tough to do that, but I did, and she left, and that was it.

I haven't heard from her since and I'm not sure if I will, and I don't know if I want to. I don't think I do. If this is the end, I'd like to make a clean break of it and not look back. I already put away any pictures I had of her in my room. I took my name off her Netflix queue, cancelled the hotel room we were going to stay at in the city in three weeks for her birthday, now I just need to find someone to take the theatre tickets off my hands because I'm sure as hell not going to use them. I took anything of hers off my laptop, like video files of her singing and stuff like that (of course I backed them up first, just in case). The hardest thing to do was to go through all the digital pictured I had on my laptop and delete them. Sadly, I think I ended up deleted almost half the pics I had in iPhoto. It was pretty depressing to go through them all and delete them. It was like playing back our relationship from the beginning to the end, wondering at what point everything went wrong. I think the fact that the pictures stopped when she got home from London speaks volumes.

Its weird, and I don't know if something is wrong with me or what, but I don't feel too heartbroken. I don't feel like she broke my heart. I think subconsciously I knew that it was only a matter of time before it came to this and I guess I started preparing myself. We barely had anything that I would say remotely resembles quality time in the past three months, since my birthday, so I guess the thought of not really seeing her or talking to her again doesn't really phase me all that much. Then again, I can't seem to fall asleep.

I think because she already broke my heart once, last Valentine's Day, that I wasn't going to let it happen again. Hell, I might as well tell this interesting story, because I really don't feel the need to hide it or keep it private anymore. Looking back on it, I may have been better off breaking up with her when she broke my heart, I know I would have been justified in doing it. Basically, the story goes as such. I went to visit her in London on Valentine's Day weekend, 2004. I got in after a hellish trip from NY to London and got to her apartment. When I say hellish I mean an overweight bag, filled with her stuff, that I got charged $270 from the airline for. I got to her apartment and she had a performance at school that night, and she didn't seem too excited to see me. She told me to take a nap to fight off the jet lag, and I honestly tried, but I couldn't. There wasn't much to do in her apartment. She didn't have a TV, or Internet access at the time. I wasn't in the mood to watch a movie on my laptop, so I did something I probably shouldn't have done, I snooped around her room.

I knew she kept a diary, and I guess thats what I was really looking for. I don't know why I went looking for it, maybe I didn't trust her, or maybe I just need to satisfy my own curiosity and find out what she wrote about me. So I found her journal, and oddly enough I had flipped through the first pages once before, months ago, but go bored with it and put it back. but this time, I started reading. I came to a part where she was describing what it was like kissing someone. I assumed that the entry was about me and read on, until I found out it was dated during her time in London, and was about someone she kissed quite recently. I really flipped out and of course couldn't stop until I knew the whole truth. I can't remember what order I did these things in, but I knew I went back to around the time we first met and read from there. All that stuff was good, but then she got to where she was in London and it turned south quickly.

The guy she was talking about kissing was a classmate of hers, and I should've known something wasn't right about him or them, because she seemed way to close for comfort. In my reading I discovered they never had sex with each other, but it sounded like they got damn close to. It seemed like he broke it off with her out of respect to the fact that he knew I existed. Wow, a guy doing something sort of right for a change, and not screwing over another guy. Shocking. That I think I could've dealt with, but I read on, and discovered that she cheated on me some more, by having sex with at least two other guys. And the thing that stung the most was her entry about my visit to see over Thanksgiving and my birthday and the fact that the entire time we were together, and especially when we were intimate, she was thinking about her classmate. ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

I really flipped out at that point. I was debating just packing all my stuff together and heading to the airport and going home, but I know I definitely needed to confront her about all this. Then her roommate came home to come get me to go to her show and I had to do my best to act like nothing was wrong, which was tough. I got to the show and Elena had given her camera to a classmate to give to me. Which classmate? You guessed it, the one she almost screwed, the one she was thinking about when she was with me, on my birthday. Now, I'm not a violent person, I try to avoid confrontation at all costs. But let me be completely honest when I say that it took every ounce of self control I had not to punch that guy right then and there. I sat through the show and met up with her afterwards and we headed back to her place. She thought she was just going to be changing and meeting up with her classmates for a post show party. Instead we argued all night and most of the rest of the weekend. Needless to say Valentine's Day was ruined. Looking back, I should've broken up with her then and there, and knowing what I know now, if any future girlfriend of mine cheats on me, I will, but since I loved her so much, or too much I should say, I tried to find it in my heart to forgive her and move on. That was the toughest thing I've ever done, but I did, because I thought everyone deserves one chance at forgiveness, but maybe I was wrong, I don't know.

So that was that, and here I am, still not tired at all. I don't even know what to do with myself. If I can't sleep I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow, its not safe to drive in traffic on no sleep, thats for sure. i don't know, I just see this inability to sleep as a sign of her winning or something. I know it sounds ridiculous, but thats how I feel. I don't know, maybe its just that now I'm finally alone, in the dark and quiet and my thoughts and feeling can finally come out, and maybe I just don't like what they're telling me. I know that in the end this is all for the best. I know I'll find someone out there who's right for me and can give me the love I give in return, its just a matter of time. I know this sounds really crazy, but just how long should I wait to get out there again? Its sick to say, but I feel like I don't want to wait too long. I feel like I've basically been without a girlfriends for months as it is. Who knows. I surely don't.

OK, so I'm going to end this ramble right here before it gets really out of control. So now you know what really happened and I guess its good to get it all off my chest. I know I'll be OK and that its all for the best in the end. It just sucks that it has to end like this because I felt we had a good thing. Maybe thats the operative word, had. All the good stuff was in the past and not the present, and so there's no future for us. Wow, that was profound and deep. I'm going to try to go to bed. Good night.