Love it or hate it, you definitely have to give the creators of South Park props for the ability to crank out a quick episode. I remember back in college just a few days after that Elian Gonzalez thing in Florida, they cranked out a hilarious episode dealing with similar subject matter that had me rolling. Tonight, in an unprecedented display they somehow managed to spear the Sony PSP and the whole Terri Schiavo thing. Genius. (As sad as that whole thing is in Florida, its gotten ridiculously out of hand. Doesn't the government have anything better to do? Shouldn't the president be concerned with the whole nations health care instead of one persons? Damn religious right).

I'd explain the episode, but then it wouldn't be funny. Lets just say they make fun, and in no particular order, the whole PSP craze, the Schiavo case, the Matrix, Lord of the Rings... oh and the best, angels who say Goddammit constantly. Hilarious. I haven't laughed so hard since last weeks episode! Check it out and enjoy!

Don't you hate it when you have to fight to stay awake at your desk? Its been one busy day and if I have to fix one more Blackberry, I'm going to shove it where the sun doesn't shine. I hate those things right now. I'm sitting at my desk burning copies of DVD's for someone here (business related of course) and it'll probably take me until the end of the day, but its like watching paint dry and its putting me to sleep. Boring doesn't begin to describe it. Thankfully this Wednesday is almost over and the weekend will almost be upon us.

Plans for the weekend consist of only two things, but equally important. One, get a haircut because I need it desperately. Its been 4 weeks since my last one and without gel it just puffs up. Not good. Two, and the more important, go see Sin City. I can't wait for it. It looks awesome, has gotten some amazing reviews and I'm just chomping at the bit to go see it.

On the personal side things are good. I think all the talking I did about the Elena situation over the weekend was good for me and got it out of my system. I still have all the things in my head that I'd like to say to her, but everyday that goes by that desire to tell them to her lessens. I think the best way to put it all behind me is to move on with my life completely and not look behind. I'm currently talking to 2-3 different girls I've met on some various dating sites so we'll see where that goes. Its all still in the IM/e-mail phase, but I'm sure it will progress soon enough. I'll keep you updated.

Alright, back to the burning.

Let me tell you, this past weekend was just what I needed! It was honestly one of the best weekends I've had in a really, really, really long time. It was great heading into the city and hanging out with Seth, his girlfriend Shari and all their friends. It felt good to vent some more to Shari about the whole Elena thing, since she hadn't heard the whole story and to get her take on it. (She's a school psychologist and just got her doctorate, so I think she's qualified). It was also cool to just go out and have some fun and put all the crap I've been going through recently behind me. Going out with Brett and getting pretty drunk was fun too. Again, he hadn't heard the story either and although it dominated most of our dinner conversation it was good to get it out there. Plus Brett offered to do something for me to exact revenge, and although I appreciate the thought, it wasn't neccessary, as I'm just not that type of person.

I spent all of Sunday being lazy and thankful I didn't have to go anywhere. Had I still been with Elena we would've spent the weekend in the city, seen a show and then had to head home Sunday for Easter at one of her family members home. Glad I didn't have to do that. It was nice, I stayed home, helped my mom with her annual baking fest (I made chocolate chip cookies, although I think I didn't put enough flour in because upon baking they just flattened out. Still tasted OK though) and vegged out for most of the day. Spent two hours that night talking online to some girl I met at some online dating site, so there is hope yet!

Now I'm back at work and its going to be a late night moving offices around. It sucks, but the overtime is nice. Hope everyone had a great holiday weekend and is surviving Monday!

And apparently neither do I, at least when I'm in that city. It really is true that New York City is the city that never sleeps. There's always something to do and some hour of the day and there will always be at least one place open for you to do it in. I headed into the city on Friday afternoon to hang out with Seth at his new place for the night. It was weird being back in the city as I realized the last time I was in there was to see Damien Rice in concert in April, after I got back from Paris.

So I got the Seth's place easy enough, dropped down my stuff, started copying some of his CD's into iTunes, even though I know I'll probably never get around to listening to them. Along with his girlfriend Shari, we headed out to get some Thai food for dinner, which was pretty damn good. Over dinner I told Shari all the details on the breakup with Elena (basically all the gory parts, like the massive cheating) and asked her opinion on the whole call or not call business. She said don't call, which I'm still not going to. It was good to get it all out and vent it to someone new. Seth and Shari both felt that the best way to handle all the things I feel the need to get out is to just write a letter expressing them all, but never send them, which is basically what I'm doing here. So its quite cathartic.

After dinner we headed back to his place and waited for Shari's cousin to show up. Once she did, along with one of her cousins who somehow isn't related to Shari, we headed out. We went to Shari's brother's girlfriend's apartment (following the family tree so far?) because it was her birthday and they were having a little get together. We hung out there for awhile, drank a little, then headed out to a bar for awhile. After $32 for all of 4 drinks, we decided to head elsewhere to try to see someone's band play. Once we got there they were already done playing, so we grabbed some pizza next to the club at like 2 AM, and then headed back to Seth's place. Of course no one went to sleep immediately, as once you put 5 people together, 3 sleeping on couches and futons in the same room, they're gonna talk. Didn't get to sleep until about 4 AM, and was up by 10 AM, so no sleep.

In the AM, Shari made some yummy french toast and I hung around until about 1 PM, then headed back to Penn Station to catch my train home. My mom picked me up at the train station as my dad and brother picked up my car the previous night because I didn't want to leave it there, even though nothing would've happened. Headed home, unpacked my stuff and played some phone tag with Brett about getting some dinner and some beer at our favorite place, John Harvards. Brett finally showed up at my house 22 minutes late (not bad for him). We headed to the Verizon store as he needed a new battery for his cell phone and then to the Disney store in the mall in search of a Chilly Willy doll for his new girlfriend. No luck there as I told him the Internet would be his best bet.

Headed to John Harvards and proceeded to eat and drink like fish. For two guys, we managed to down about two pitchers of beer, so I was feeling quite buzzed by the time we left. I told Brett the whole story, complete with gory details about Elena and he reacted much as I thought her would. As a cop Brett sees things in black and white and not the shades of gray in between, but it was still good to get it out there yet again, and I did. It was basically all we talked about for the entire span of our meal and afterwards as we tried to kill our second pitcher. Afterwards I headed home and passed out.

Plan for today is nothing but rest and relaxation, something I haven't gotten in the past two days. But honestly, its cool as I've had a great weekend so far. Thankfully, being Jewish, there is nothing I feel the need to do or no place to go today on Easter. But, if you celebrate, have a Happy Easter!

Now that my state of mind has normalized for now I can post something coherent. The plan for today is as follows. Get the hell out of here at 12:30, race home, change, pack a bag for a night, go to VW to get my radio replaced at 2, hopefully get out of there in time to catch a 4:23 train into Manhattan to spend the night at Seth's new place. I'm looking forward to it as I haven't it been there yet. We'll probably just grab some dinner and hang out while we steal each other's music. He's got a bunch of CD's that I want to rip into iTunes that I'll probably never get around to listening to, but it doesn't change the fact that I still want them, and hey, its free.

No other plans really. Alright everyone, back to work for 25 more minutes. Have a great weekend and Happy Easter (to those that celebrate!)

I'm liking the idea of posting lyrics to songs to explain my state of mind. I have no problem using someone else's poetry to describe my current emotional state instead of my own words.

you're keeping in step
in the line
got your chin held high and you feel just fine
because you do
what you're told
but inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold
just how deep do you believe?
will you bite the hand that feeds?
will you chew until it bleeds?
can you get up off your knees?
are you brave enough to see?
do you want to change it?
what if this whole crusade's
a charade
and behind it all there's a price to be paid
for the blood
on which we dine
justified in the name of the holy and the divine
just how deep do you believe?
will you bite the hand that feeds?
will you chew until it bleeds?
can you get up off your knees?
are you brave enough to see?
do you want to change it?
so na�ve
to keep holding on to what I want to believe
i can see
but i keep holding on and on and on and on
will you bite the hand that feeds you?
will you stay down on your knees?

Great song, get it at iTunes now. Their new album comes out in the beginning of May. Can't wait.

I listened to this one a couple times on my way home today. I think its quite fitting and its just a damn good song on top of it. Those crazy Canadian punks.

Your thoughts?

First off, let me apologize for the rambling (and bad language) that follows. If you're sick of reading about this stuff, don't worry, we're in the same boat as I'm sick of writing and thinking about it, but, in all honesty, I think it helps. Its cathartic, along with all the angry and loud music I've been screaming along to during my commute to work. So without further adieu, here are my latest ramblings on Elena... enjoy!

OK, after much internal debate, talking it over with Seth, and the comments left on my last entry (thank you for those) I have decided it is in my best interest to not contact Elena. Why? Simply because nothing good can come of it. Yes, I'd probably feel better for a short time afterwards, but it would be at the expense of my own dignity, pride and self respect. As a person, I know my character is above putting someone down just for the sake of making yourself feel better. So I'm just not going to do it.

And I'm going to try to stop thinking about this so much as it really is starting to bug me. Its just not worth it. For the entire span of our relationship things between us were bad or neutral more than they were good. Only now can I realize this. We were together for almost 2 years, 23 months to be almost exact (probably off a day or so), of that time, I'm going to break it down for you. Good: The first 4.5 months we were going out, right before she left for London. Neutral: The first two months or so she was in London before I got a chance to head over there. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't good, so its neutral. Good: The two or three days we spent together the first time I went to see her. Neutral: The month or so in between our next visit. Bad: (in hindsight and reflection this gets the Bad label) My next visit, during Thanksgiving/My birthday. I spent two days, Thanksgiving and my birthday wandering the streets of London by myself and bored out of my mind. The time we did spend together I find out after the fact that she was thinking of some guy in her class that she very nearly fucked. So yeah, thats bad time.

Continuing, Neutral: The two weeks apart after Thanksgiving and the first week or so she was home for the month she had off for Christmas. I could tell something was off with her when she got home, it must've been those two guys she did fuck while I was home pining for her. Good: Christmas and the following 2-3 weeks. We spent time together constantly and were back in love in a big way. Cue the warm and fuzzies you feel in your stomach at that. Neutral: The time after she left, we spoke a lot at first when she got back, which I took as a good sign, but it trailed off as she got busy finding a new flat and getting ready for a show she was doing at school.

Bad: (And lets just face it, the low point of our relationship and the point where I should've saved myself a whole lot of grief, time, energy, emotion and money and just broken it off right then and there) Valentine's Day 2004. Its funny, as I waited on a superlong line to check in at the airport to go to see her, with high anticipation for our first V-Day together, I spoke to Seth as I waited and out came the realization that I was looking to that weekend as a sign of whether or not I should've stayed with her or not. I was tired of the imbalance of the long distance thing and I guess the imbalance of our relationship, me giving, and her taking. It was starting to make me feel empty. I really should've gone with my gut on that one and kept that in mind. Should've broken up with her that weekend. But I didn't. Should've, would've, could've. So yeah, I found out she cheated on me (multiple times) by reading her diary. I'm not proud of it. We had it out for most of the weekend, and I decided to try to forgive her, because I thought that if you love someone, they deserve a chance at forgiveness. Lets just say I don't think that anymore. Sure, the people you love deserve forgiveness, but not for fucking people behind your back.

Bad: The time that followed V-Day 2004 for almost a month or more as I tried to deal with everything that happened. Somewhere in between I lost my mind and it somehow turned good and I planned our trip to Paris. Yes, I know I need to have my head examined. Only a psychotic idiot would basically reward his girlfriend for cheating on him by taking her to Paris for a long weekend, and paying for EVERYTHING! Looking back, yeah, that was a dumb thing to do, but at least Paris was nice, and I have some good pictures (once I deleted all the ones that contained even a glimpse of Elena). Yeah, so Paris was a Good time.

Good: The two weeks after Paris because I think Elena finally realized what a great guy I was and how much of a bitch she was for treating me like she did. She came home for about two weeks, two or three weeks after I got back from Paris and things were good. We spent a lot of time together, and it was good. Good: After she left that time, she didn't really want to go back and it was tough on her and she was really looking forward to me coming to see her for a week in early July. That time together was Good: Visiting my mom's cousin in Ireland and then going to Edinburgh was good, we had a great time and I was sad to see it end, we both were. But once I got home, things started to get Bad: her getting ready to leave London and the stress of her thesis (or whatever the hell she had to write to get a masters in England). She never had time to talk to me, didn't seem interested in what I had to say, was more interested in what I was sending her. Basically, the balance was gone, and the selfish bitch returned.

Neutral: My trip to help her move home in September. Some was good, some was bad. Good: seeing Romeo and Juliet together. Bad: taking a back seat (once again, I should've been used to it by then) to everything else, like her selling her shit she wasn't taking back with her and her working on her paper. Then she finally got home and things were good for a long time. It was like how things were before she even left for London. We spent a ton of time together, had fun, and were making plans for the future. All that came to an end around the time my parents threw a big holiday party. After that things never were the same.

I'll just label the rest of the time as Bad: she got depressed over her lack of career direction and although I tried my best to help, she kept pushing my help away. Then she did her 180 and totally focused on her career and completely pushed me away. Relationship ends.

So there's the history of my relationship with Elena. As you can see, it wasn't good a whole lot. The Neutral and the Bad far outweigh the Good. So in the end, its a good thing we broke up, because now I'm free to pursue a meaningful relationship with someone that would appreciate me for all I have to offer.

A few weeks before we broke up we had this long talk while I was at work and she wanted me to tell her what I wanted out of a girl, and to tell her like I was telling Seth, my best friend, not like I was talking to her. I said I couldn't do it and was basically in denial about the whole thing. After the talk, I did think about it and I tailored my thoughts to fit her, because thats what I wanted at the time. Now I realize thats not the case. To me, love boils down to a few choice elements. Yeah, you get the standard affection, hugs, kisses, sex, romance and companionship you get. Thats a given. But I think whats truly important to me now when it comes to loving someone are the following:

Trust: I need to trust the person, plain and simple. I never really trusted Elena after she cheated on me. Sure, I may have fooled myself into thinking I did, but I didn't, no way no how.

Sacrifice: I need someone who is going to give of themselves for me. Elena in no way shape or form did this. She was not willing to compromise what she wanted out of life to make me happy or to make us work. Kudos to her for conviction, but don't be in a relationship with someone if you're not going to make even the slightest sacrifice of yourself for their sake.

Balance: There must be balance. There has to be an equal give and take. There rarely was with Elena and myself. I gave, she took, end of story. And I kept giving, like a moron, thinking that eventually I'd get it back, and I never really did. And all that did was leave me empty inside, and thats not a good feeling.

Alright, I'm going to stop babbling now. Thanks for listening, I feel better now. Let the catharsis continue! Cue the Nine Inch Nails and we'll all feel better (Check out their new song on iTunes, called The Hand That Feeds, its kicks ass!!!)

OK, despite the feel good beat and lyrics of rearviewmirror my thoughts are obviously still hung up around Elena, good or bad thoughts I'm not sure of, because I had the weirdest dream about her last night. I dreamt that we got back together. So, two obvious questions beg to be asked and hopefully answered. One, is dreaming that make it a dream or a nightmare? The answer, I don't know. I woke up with a sense of relief that it was a dream and not reality, but its not like it scared me to death. More important is question two, if given the chance would I get back with her?

The answer to that one is a whole lot less ambiguous, and would be a big no, and for numerous reasons. One, I don't think that I could ever truly forgive her for a great many things. The first being treating our relationship as something not worth her time and energy, and the second obviously being the fact that she cheated on me oh so long ago and I never truly forgave her, so I doubt I could now. Now that our relationship is over its like the blinders have come off and now I can see everything clearly for what it was (Saw things so much clearer once you were in my rearviewmirror... Sorry, couldn't help it!).

It just wasn't a good relationship. For a time it was, but that time was definitely less in quantity than the time that it was a bad relationship. I know I totally got taken advantage of by her, and now that I can see that, again, I don't think I could forgive her for being such a selfish bitch. Now that I can see, and the hindsight is better than 20/20 I know that getting back with her would be a really bad idea. I just have so much on my mind about it, I feel the need to tell her, just for the sake of getting closure for myself. I know that nothing good would come out of a conversation with her, but I know I didn't really say much to her the last time I saw her, so I kind of feel like I need to redeem myself. I don't know... I know I definitely need to talk to Seth about this as he's the only one that really knows that whole story and I guess we'll see what he says. I just wish I could stop thinking about this shit... It's driving me crazy! And I hate that its driving me crazy, I hate it more than the craziness.

Alright, I'm going to shut up now. Thoughts are welcome on the whole should I or shouldn't I contact my ex-girlfriend question. Thank you.

OK, this post is going to answer the age old question I'm sure has been on everyone's lips, but they were just afraid to ask... just what the hell does the title of this blog mean? What does Saw Things... mean? Taken literally, yeah, its my views and observations of the world around me. Whoo hoo! But in actuality, its a piece of a lyric to my favorite song of all time. We'll get to just what that is in a second.

Maybe it was my last post before I left for work, but on my drive home while grooving along to Pete Yorn (who's great by the way, check him out), my thoughts turned to Elena and it was all starting to get me down, and the fact that it was starting to get me down pissed me off, royally. So in order to remedy that, I put on my favorite song of all time, because the lyrics, especially when screamed at the top of your lungs, which I did, always have a way of making me feel better, especially about past relationships. So out of the CD player came the Garden State soundtrack, and in went the only other CD I have in my new car. (I use my iPod for everything else, and just wanted it to sound good this time, as the tape deck in my car is busted and I'm forced to use an FM transmitter until I get it replaced on Friday, and the FM thing sucks as far as audio quality, but it does the trick.)

Alright, I'll stop babbling and continue on with the story. Out came Garden State and in went Pearl Jam's Vs. Track 8.... rearviewmirror. The lyrics are as follows:

To me, the song is all about escaping whatever is going bad or doing you harm in your life and feeling better about it the further away from it you get. Once you get far enough away and look behind you, the problem is so small, distant and insignificant, you wonder why it was such a big deal in the first place and why you let it cause you so much distress. Trust me, its a great song to speed down an empty highway to. So I popped it in, blasted in, screamed my head off and had my foot on the gas, and let me tell you, I feel so much better now.

So now you know... and knowing is half the battle... G.I. Joe.

Its amazing what the right prescription drugs can do. I'm feeling a whole lot better now, despite some pesky side effects from the antibiotics, but hopefully that will pass when I learn how to take them with food. The sinus headaches and pressure are gone and I just have some lingering congestion which I can deal with. I'm just glad that I don't feel like my head is ready to explide, that wasn't fun. I made the mistake of forgetting to have a little something to eat with my morning dose and my stomach was killing me on my drive into work. I had to stop and get a bagel in hopes of settling it before I got on the parkway, but I don't think it did much. My stomach has been doing somersaults all day and I hope it settles down eventually, because a week of this would really suck. (It's still better than the headaches though, thats for sure).

Not much else going on. In my sick state I managed to watch all 5 Star Wars movies over the weekend, so now I'm ready for the sixth and final one (which better deliver, or I'm going to be pissed). I even watched a two and a half hour documentary on the making of the original trilogy, which was quite interesting.

In personal news its been two weeks since the breakup and everything is golden. Haven't heard from Elena since she agreed to buy the show tickets from me and I have a feeling that I'm not going to hear from her anytime soon, if ever again, which I'm OK with. Sure, I have a lot I'd want to say to her, mostly in an attempt to put her down and make myself feel better, but who really needs that? It's over and I'm moving on. Is it wrong that only two weeks in I've already perused and reactivated my dormant accounts at some online dating sites? I like the companionship that comes with having a girlfriend and thats what I miss more than anything.

I know I definitely don't miss Elena and all the frustration that she caused in me. I don't know, although its only been two weeks, I feel like its been longer and I truly feel like we were just going through the motions and trying to act like a couple in love in the final few months, even though we really weren't. Maybe I'm just trying to make excuses for myself... who knows. Whatever, if I meet someone and we hit it off, thats cool... if not, I'm happy being free to do my own thing, whatever that thing may be.

Have I ever mentioned how fortunate I feel that my mom has worked for the past 30 years or so for a great family practice doctor? You know what that means? Never having to wait to be seen when you're sick, free drug samples, and the comfort of going to the same doctor for your whole life. Although the guy is in his 70's now and trying to sell his practice, but he's still going strong, which is good. I went in this morning to get checked out as the drugs my mom brought home for me were doing no good, as I felt worse this morning as I did yesterday and Thursday. I took a half day off from work yesterday because after I got there, I realized it was a bad idea going, as I was pretty useless.

So I got checked out this morning, got a free sample of Nasonex to take, and a prescription for a penicillin based antibiotic that look like horse pills and a nice huge bottle of Robitussin CF. Not bad for $21. And the good news, although I still feel sick, at least I feel better than I did this morning. I'm taking it easy this weekend, just going to rest and try not to strain myself too much so I can go to work on Monday as I'm running out of sick days. (We only get 2.5 personal/sick days every 3 months. And I just used my last 1/2 on Friday) I really don't want to touch my two weeks of vacation, so hopefully I'll be OK on Monday. I have a feeling I will.

In the meantime, it'll be a boring weekend of staying inside. Its OK, I've got Keyser keeping me company by sleeping on me right now as I lay down on the couch, with a big bottle of water (drink those fluids!) and a box of tissues, and making my inner 10 year old happy by watching Star Wars on DVD. Of course next up will be Empire, followed by Jedi, and if I'm really feeling up to it, onto the prequels (which were great on first viewing, but just don't hold up like the Original Trilogy, or OT). Although, I do have great hopes for Episode III as the trailer and teaser for it have thoroughly impressed me. I could say the same for the trailers to the first two when I saw them, so hopefully I won't be disappointed.

May looks to be a good month, besides the new Star Wars, I have tickets to see Velvet Revolver and then U2 the next weekend. Now I just need to find someone to take Elena's place at the U2 show. Don't worry, I'm working on it! =)

Alright, back to the couch. Hope everyone has a better weekend than I'll be having (although you can't complain too much about watching Star Wars on the home theatre system with the volume loud, at least I can't!)

OK, so I totally wussed out today and used a sick day to stay home. I just woke up feeling like crap. I slept OK, thanks to NyQuil (Big N, little Y, BIG FUCKING Q - Denis Leary), so that wasn't it. I just woke up with my head killing me, my throat hurting and stuffed and congested as hell. I'm sure I'll be back at work tomorrow, but I think I just needed a day to rest and let the drugs do their thing. Hopefully I'll be feeling better tomorrow, and if I'm not, hey, its Friday, one day of work then the weekend! Woo Hoo!

Its at time like this, when I'm sick and pathetic that I miss having a girlfriend, someone to take car of me, buy me medicine and wait on me, like I've done for them when they were sick. Although, come to think of it, Elena never did anything nice for me when I was sick. She would stay as far as she could away so she wouldn't catch it. I think the nicest thing she did was run to the drug store and got something, thats it. Meanwhile I brought her flowers and food and soup and prescription drugs! Oh well, just another example of the unbalance that was our relationship and another example of why I'm better off without her.

Haven't really spoken to her since we ended it, just a couple of text messages, e-mails and one brief IM chat, and that was it. I really have no desire to actually talk to her as I don't have anything to say, but if she calls its not I'll hang up on her. Well, strike that, I do have things to say, but it won't do any good to say it. Its not like we're getting back together and honestly, I don't think I would want that if presented with the chance to anyway. I've seen her true colors, and I didn't like them. She definitely morphed into someone other than who I fell in love with, and its too late to go back. I'm looking onward and upward... now if I could only breath normally.

Yup, I woke up this morning feeling like crap. I couldn't breathe too much through my nose and my throat was killing me. Throw in a sinus headache and I have to say, its a hell of a way to wake up, I highly recommend it. The congestion came and went throughout the day, but my throat still hurts and I'm coughing and phlegmy (gross, I know, sorry). I plan on taking my medication, laying down and watching some Alias and South Park, and passing out. Sound like a good plan? Yeah, I thought so.

Funny story, or maybe it is just to me in my crazy, sick head. My mom is all excited about the fact that Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is making over a house in our town, and closing off a good chunk of a major road in town in the process. Now, my mom hasn't stopped talking about this, and about how the family thats having it down really deserves it, and I'm sure they really do, the husband has three kids, ages 3, 2 and 1 and recently lost his wife to cancer. If someone deserves a brand spanking new home, its sure as hell that guy. So my mom is way into this happening in our town, but she doesn't even watch the show! I called her on it and she just said it was a very exciting thing to happen to the town and thats a good thing. I said something to the effect how before hand our family was just beeming with town pride. That made my dad laugh, which is always to do. That's it, end of story. I told you, I'm sick and prone to not make much sense.

Alright, off to take my pills and kill some time before TV. Here's to hoping I feel better!

My younger brother Mark is home for Spring Break from college, and I think he brought a bug with him. He was asking my mom for medicine the other night for something that was bothering him. And, to top it off, My older brother Randy was home sick on Friday, when I was home too, so I think between the two of them, I feel something painful brewing in my sinuses.

Yesterday it was just a slight headache and just a general feeling of being tired, which I attributed to all the work I did on Saturday and all the running around I had to do at work yesterday because of it. Today I wake up and my throat was hurting and I feel a little congested. As I sit at my desk typing this I feel the pressure building up in my head, behind my nose. If this comes to pass, its not going to be pretty.

I hate being sick and I'm a miserable bastard to be around when I am. My philosophy is if I'm miserable because I'm sick, then you should be too, even if you're healthy. Childish, I know. But hey, we all have our quirks. I think I need to call my mom and have her steal some samples of something to head this off now, before it gets worse. Its so nice having a mom that works for a doctor. Can you say free perscription drugs without actually having to go to a doctor to get checked out? I can.

UPDATE: Just called my mom, and yup, my brother's have sinus infections. I told you!

Damn, I'm tried. I had a pretty relaxing day off. After getting my car serviced (it needs a new stereo as the tape deck is indeed shot) and Keyser bathed (he stank and his paws were like talons with his nails so long) I exercised for a good 40 minutes, ate lunch, and did absolutely nothing the rest of the day. I was almost to the point of being bored out of my mind, but I pulled through and watched two really great flicks, Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Great movies, both of them. Made me feel better about my present situation. One that you can find love when and where you least expect it, and it can change your life, and the other that whatever is in the past helps shape who you are today, and although things can be painful, the memories are all you have left, and there is good with the bad. Great stuff.

Worked my ass off yesterday. I was up at 5 and at work by 7, and worked an 8 hour day, all OT, nice. The work was good, exhausting and physically demanding at times too. I'm definitely a little sore from it. Had to crawl under practically every desk in the office and jack their PC into our new network, but before that we disconnected all the wiring in our server room, moved some things around hooked everything into our net wiring. It made my boss happy, so thats good, raise time is coming up.

I've spent most of today just lounging around, watching some stupid, but funny movies. I've gone through The Girl Next Door, Eurotrip, and I'm in the middle of Old School as I type this. I guess I'm just in a stupid comedy type of mood. Its just a matter of time before I break out something dumber, but who knows.

Alright back to the movies and rest. I have a feeling its going to be a very long week. Have a great rest of the weekend everyone!

Welcome to Day 4/5 of post-breakup. I feel like I should handle this thing like Jason Lee's Banky referred to oral sex in Chasing Amy, with constant updates. Unfortunately, there isn't much to update. I'm still doing good, and I'm glad to report that the business transaction went off without a hitch yesterday. I pulled up, grabbed my stuff out of the box, left the envelope with the theatre tickets and my check, got back in my car and left. I didn't even stop the car. Granted I was really nervous the whole ride home. I just didn't want to run into anyone from her family, and I especially didn't want to run into Elena.

Its funny, but she didn't give the typical "let's still be friends line." Not that I care, because I think it would just be too weird to try to be friends with your ex, especially under the circumstances we broke up under. She didn't have enough time for me as a boyfriend, but she will as a friend? I don't think so. So I guess its good that never came up, and hopefully it won't.

Back to the title of the post. I'm at the start of a sort of three and a half day weekend. I basically had a half day today as I went out to Bridgehampton until about 1 PM, then went home (that's the reward for driving the hour plus out there, do what you went to do and go home, early!) I'm off tomorrow to run errands, like get my car services (5000 miles already, time for my first oil change, and the tape player is messed up, it just spits out my tape adapter jacked into my iPod), then the dog gets a much needed bath and nail trim. Saturday morning I have to go into work, but it shouldn't be too bad, and maybe, and I know this sounds sick, but even fun. Wow, I need my head examined for saying work could be fun, but it could be, who knows.

Alright, I'll shut up, but stay tuned for continuing developments in this breaking (break up) story.

Still alive and kicking. Things haven't taken a turn for the worse yet, and hopefully they won't. In good news, Elena agreed to purchase the Avenue Q tickets I was going to give her for her birthday, at full price no less, so I'm happy about that. I'm not so happy that her mom couldn't refer me to someone else to get my Herbalife (my diet stuff) from.

I spoke to her mom yesterday and she said I shouldn't feel weird about still coming around to their house to get the stuff because as she put it, "The boys always hang around." Funny, I only remember running into one of Elena's ex-boyfriends at her house, only because he was still friends with her brother and her sister's fiance. Anyway, I said I would feel werid about it, so we came up with a workaround. Anytime I need to stuff, I call her other line which is just for selling the Herbalife, tell her what I want, she gives me a total, leaves the stuff in a big plastic bin thats always outside of their fron door, I take the stuff and leave the check. Transaction complete. I guess I can be OK with that. I still want to stick with the diet and it really does work for me. Now that I'm single I need to look good, and more importantly feel better about myself if I'm going to get back out there and meet someone new.

So, what's going to happen is this: Elena is going to give her mom the $190 she owes me for the tickets and that is going to put towards a crap load of Herbalife for me (I'm stocking up so I don't have to make so many return trips) and I'll leave a check for the difference with the theatre tickets. A simple and efficient business arrangement.

I still think the fact that she wants to buy the tickets is kind of weird. I know I'd be creeped out about buying tickets off my ex for something they were going to take me to for my birthday. I mean, my name is printed on the tickets and everything. And sitting there in the theatre knowing that you were supposed to be going with someone else? Just odd. But then again, I guess Elena is just odd like that and doesn't mind and just wants to see the show.

The e-mail she sent me saying she wanted to take the tickets was weird too. It went something like, "Thanks for offering the tickets, I really want to go, although I really can't afford it, I'll take them, definately." And yes, thats how she spelled definitely, with an A. Talk about misleading. Halfway in I thought I was going to have to be that person that everyone in my department makes fun of who sends out a firmwide e-mail announcing their need for something. We get some doozy's, thats for sure. The best was someone offering Barry Manilow tickets, or someone looking for a quality roof guy. That's lawyers for you though.

In other news, snow sucks. We got hit with what I guess could be called a major storm yesterday afternoon. It didn't accumulate a lot of snow, but it caused a ton of havoc. It was raining in the morning, got really cold and the rain turned to snow. So all the wet roads turned to slush, then to just a sheet of ice. My office closed at 3:30 and I hightailed it out trying to get home, and didn't get anywhere. I decided I'd head to my dad's office, two exits up the parkway and leave my car there and have him take me home. What would normally be a 10 minute trip between offices (I've done it in as little as 7 minutes, speeding like a mad demon) took an HOUR!!! AN HOUR!!! To drive all of 2 or 3 miles, tops. Crazy.

We got home safe and sound though, after two and a half hours and the commute in with my brother to get my car wasn't fun, but hey, I didn't have to drive any of it, so what do I care? I just hope the drive home is smooth, because I'm in no mood to sit in traffic for hours on end behind the wheel. At least as a passenger you can read, or sleep, but as the driver you unfortunately have to be conscious. Don't you hate that?

We now return to "The Matt Show" where today's topic of discussion is Angry Music and How It Helps You Deal With Life Stuff! Its not any secret that music has innate healing abilities in people, and what better way to blow off some steam than to blast some angry and loud rock music on your drive home and basically scream along to the lyrics in the comfort of your own car, where thankfully no one can hear you. It really helps, trust me.

Last year, around this time when I found out Elena cheated on me and I was trying to deal with it, the angry music of choice was Linkin Park. But even then I would just generally skip around to most of the songs I knew, and since they're so short (I was able to burn both their albums onto a single disc), it didn't make for long listening. Then again, it was really the only angry and loud music I listened to for about a month. If I wanted to get really depressed about things, and I don't highly recommend this, it was Dashboard Confessional all the way. I mean, seriously, check out the lyrics for their song, The Best Deceptions and you'll see why listening to this stuff while in the throes of heartache is just a bad idea all around. And the other artist I would listen to constantly was Jeff Buckley, whose music wasn't too depressing, nor too angry. It was a happy medium, and I just liked it.

So what am I listening to this time around? I've rediscovered the anger of Nine Inch Nails. I listened to their live album all the way home yesterday, screaming/singing the really angry parts and it felt good, damn good. I can't wait for their new album to come out, sometime soon I've heard.

Still doing OK over here. I got a little sad yesterday at work, but I'm going to cop out and blame that on the fact that I was exhausted from no sleep the night before. I'm feeling better and better by the minute and I'm 110% sure that this is all for the best. I already boxed up all the stuff I had in my room that reminded me of her, took her pictures off my desk at work and generally put it all together and threw it in my basement, with the box of stuff from my other ex.

I did have to contact Elena yesterday, but it was merely for a business transaction. You're going to love this, because I thought it was ingenious, if I do say so myself. I bought tickets for us to go see Avenue Q on her birthday, complete with a hotel room in NYC for the weekend. I cancelled the hotel room immediately, but I'm stuck with the tickets and need to get rid of them. I've asked a few friends and co-workers, but nothing yet. So then it dawned on me, Elena loves musicals and probably still wants to see it, why not sell them to her? So I sent her a text message (because I sure as hell wasn't going to call and actually talk to her) and offered to sell them to her, she texted back asking how much, I said full price, she said she'd get back to me today on it. If I can offload them to her, for full price no less, I'll feel good. I was going to sell them half price just to get rid of them, but this will be better. If it was the other way around and it was me, I wouldn't want them. It would just be too weird going to see a show with tickets my ex got me for my birthday no less. But I guess maybe birthday's and their significance don't mean much to Elena as evidenced in my previous post. So I'm still waiting to hear.

In the meantime everything else is good. My dad asked if I was still alive and OK last night, and I said yes, laughing, saying thanks for the concern. Thats about it. Nothing new to report. I'm feeling good and I think thats all thats important.

I can't sleep and its really pissing me off since I have to be up to get ready for work in 5 or 6 hours, depending on if I can motivate myself to exercise or not tomorrow, and I know I really should. The sad thing is, I think I'm mostly pissed off at the fact that I'm letting this affect me to the point of not being able to sleep. honestly, despite a basic feeling of being really bummed out, I was pretty much normal for most of the day. Seth was out on at his parents and we hung out most of the afternoon, which was good as I basically told him what happened, he sympathized and did the best friend thing. Then I told my parents tonight too, and they were shocked, but as long as I'm OK I guess they're OK too.

So the gory details. Since I can't sleep, I might as well vent, right? Obviously things between Elena and myself hadn't been great for awhile, from at least the end of January to now, although honestly, I think it really stretches back to after my birthday sometime, before Christmas. That's when she started getting depressed about the lack of forward motion in her career. I tried to be supportive while she was going through that, but she didn't make it easy to be, at least to me she made it difficult, closing herself off to me, canceling plans, that kind of thing. Then all of sudden she did a complete 180 and was solely focused on her career and nothing else. The idea of me and our relationship suddenly dropped off her priority list (at least thats what it seemed like to me) and we started butting heads about it.

I thought I was OK with her chasing her dream, and I think I was, I just wasn't OK with getting the shaft in the process. All I wanted was to get what I was giving her in return, and I wasn't. Looking back on our relationship, besides the first few months, before she went to London, I can't think of time that I got that from her, and that wasn't fair to me. After our weird lunch during the week I finally got a chance to talk to her about it on Friday. She was heading back from the city on the train and she was exhausted. It probably wasn't the best time to tell her how mad I was at her, but I really needed to get it off my chest and I was tired of waiting to do it. I doubt waiting would've saved our relationship, I just mention it because she said something about it when we talked, briefly, today.

Yeah, the breakup was pretty brief. She called around 10 AM saying she was coming over. I thought that was kind of weird, one because she called so early, and two because she made it sound like she wasn't staying long. Usually we spend most Sunday's together, but obviously not this Sunday. She came over, came into my room, turned off what I was watching and said we needed to talk. I kind of knew what was going to happen at this point. Honestly, earlier in the day I think I finally came to grips with the reality that our relationship was over and that were really just going through the motions up to that point, so I basically agreed with her when she said we shouldn't see each other anymore.

She said some things about not being happy and about us constantly butting heads and I agreed. I really didn't say much to her, and I'm not sure if I should have or not. I wasn't in the mood to fight anymore, or, if I'm telling the truth, I didn't want to fight to keep her anymore. It just wasn't worth it, I don't think. I deserve better I think. I deserve somehow who's going to love me back the way I love them, and I just wasn't getting it from Elena, and hadn't in a long time. So I guess it is for the best that we're going to go our separate ways. She's free now to chase her dreams, and good luck to her, I'm sure she'll need it. And I'm free to pursue what I want in life, whatever and whoever that may be.

Elena basically gave me back all the stuff she borrowed from me, mostly DVD's and packed up anything that was hers in my house, mostly clothes and her toothbrush, stuff like that. She started crying at some point, but again, I didn't say much. I just kind of sat there, petting Keyser. She had all her stuff together and was just standing there. I asked her what she wanted me to say, and she said to say goodbye. It was kind of tough to do that, but I did, and she left, and that was it.

I haven't heard from her since and I'm not sure if I will, and I don't know if I want to. I don't think I do. If this is the end, I'd like to make a clean break of it and not look back. I already put away any pictures I had of her in my room. I took my name off her Netflix queue, cancelled the hotel room we were going to stay at in the city in three weeks for her birthday, now I just need to find someone to take the theatre tickets off my hands because I'm sure as hell not going to use them. I took anything of hers off my laptop, like video files of her singing and stuff like that (of course I backed them up first, just in case). The hardest thing to do was to go through all the digital pictured I had on my laptop and delete them. Sadly, I think I ended up deleted almost half the pics I had in iPhoto. It was pretty depressing to go through them all and delete them. It was like playing back our relationship from the beginning to the end, wondering at what point everything went wrong. I think the fact that the pictures stopped when she got home from London speaks volumes.

Its weird, and I don't know if something is wrong with me or what, but I don't feel too heartbroken. I don't feel like she broke my heart. I think subconsciously I knew that it was only a matter of time before it came to this and I guess I started preparing myself. We barely had anything that I would say remotely resembles quality time in the past three months, since my birthday, so I guess the thought of not really seeing her or talking to her again doesn't really phase me all that much. Then again, I can't seem to fall asleep.

I think because she already broke my heart once, last Valentine's Day, that I wasn't going to let it happen again. Hell, I might as well tell this interesting story, because I really don't feel the need to hide it or keep it private anymore. Looking back on it, I may have been better off breaking up with her when she broke my heart, I know I would have been justified in doing it. Basically, the story goes as such. I went to visit her in London on Valentine's Day weekend, 2004. I got in after a hellish trip from NY to London and got to her apartment. When I say hellish I mean an overweight bag, filled with her stuff, that I got charged $270 from the airline for. I got to her apartment and she had a performance at school that night, and she didn't seem too excited to see me. She told me to take a nap to fight off the jet lag, and I honestly tried, but I couldn't. There wasn't much to do in her apartment. She didn't have a TV, or Internet access at the time. I wasn't in the mood to watch a movie on my laptop, so I did something I probably shouldn't have done, I snooped around her room.

I knew she kept a diary, and I guess thats what I was really looking for. I don't know why I went looking for it, maybe I didn't trust her, or maybe I just need to satisfy my own curiosity and find out what she wrote about me. So I found her journal, and oddly enough I had flipped through the first pages once before, months ago, but go bored with it and put it back. but this time, I started reading. I came to a part where she was describing what it was like kissing someone. I assumed that the entry was about me and read on, until I found out it was dated during her time in London, and was about someone she kissed quite recently. I really flipped out and of course couldn't stop until I knew the whole truth. I can't remember what order I did these things in, but I knew I went back to around the time we first met and read from there. All that stuff was good, but then she got to where she was in London and it turned south quickly.

The guy she was talking about kissing was a classmate of hers, and I should've known something wasn't right about him or them, because she seemed way to close for comfort. In my reading I discovered they never had sex with each other, but it sounded like they got damn close to. It seemed like he broke it off with her out of respect to the fact that he knew I existed. Wow, a guy doing something sort of right for a change, and not screwing over another guy. Shocking. That I think I could've dealt with, but I read on, and discovered that she cheated on me some more, by having sex with at least two other guys. And the thing that stung the most was her entry about my visit to see over Thanksgiving and my birthday and the fact that the entire time we were together, and especially when we were intimate, she was thinking about her classmate. ON MY BIRTHDAY!!!!

I really flipped out at that point. I was debating just packing all my stuff together and heading to the airport and going home, but I know I definitely needed to confront her about all this. Then her roommate came home to come get me to go to her show and I had to do my best to act like nothing was wrong, which was tough. I got to the show and Elena had given her camera to a classmate to give to me. Which classmate? You guessed it, the one she almost screwed, the one she was thinking about when she was with me, on my birthday. Now, I'm not a violent person, I try to avoid confrontation at all costs. But let me be completely honest when I say that it took every ounce of self control I had not to punch that guy right then and there. I sat through the show and met up with her afterwards and we headed back to her place. She thought she was just going to be changing and meeting up with her classmates for a post show party. Instead we argued all night and most of the rest of the weekend. Needless to say Valentine's Day was ruined. Looking back, I should've broken up with her then and there, and knowing what I know now, if any future girlfriend of mine cheats on me, I will, but since I loved her so much, or too much I should say, I tried to find it in my heart to forgive her and move on. That was the toughest thing I've ever done, but I did, because I thought everyone deserves one chance at forgiveness, but maybe I was wrong, I don't know.

So that was that, and here I am, still not tired at all. I don't even know what to do with myself. If I can't sleep I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow, its not safe to drive in traffic on no sleep, thats for sure. i don't know, I just see this inability to sleep as a sign of her winning or something. I know it sounds ridiculous, but thats how I feel. I don't know, maybe its just that now I'm finally alone, in the dark and quiet and my thoughts and feeling can finally come out, and maybe I just don't like what they're telling me. I know that in the end this is all for the best. I know I'll find someone out there who's right for me and can give me the love I give in return, its just a matter of time. I know this sounds really crazy, but just how long should I wait to get out there again? Its sick to say, but I feel like I don't want to wait too long. I feel like I've basically been without a girlfriends for months as it is. Who knows. I surely don't.

OK, so I'm going to end this ramble right here before it gets really out of control. So now you know what really happened and I guess its good to get it all off my chest. I know I'll be OK and that its all for the best in the end. It just sucks that it has to end like this because I felt we had a good thing. Maybe thats the operative word, had. All the good stuff was in the past and not the present, and so there's no future for us. Wow, that was profound and deep. I'm going to try to go to bed. Good night.

The title is referring to my relationship with Elena, which is now officially over. Details to come as soon as I can finish wrapping my head around everything that happened (which really wasn't much to be honest).

Yes, I'll most likely be working all day today, once I finally get my ass in there. The company is moving employees around like crazy, mostly moving one whole department of about 30 people down to recently renovated space on the floor below us. Tons of fun. I'm meeting two of my coworkers at about 11 at the office and hopefully we can take care of it in a timely fashion, because I'm in no mood to work too much. I was in the office at 6:30 yesterday redoing some key wiring that we need for all these moves and might I say that my wiring job was beautiful? It was, I'm so proud. How much of a geek am I? Oh well, time to move on.

Before I head into work I have two important things to do, and not necessarily in this order. One, get a haircut. Its been like 5 weeks or so since my last one and the mop is out of control. Must get it cut, despite my growing fears that my hairline in receding. My dad was giving me crap about it the other day and its not fun. I've had the occasional completely white or grey hair since I was about 16 and they seem to multiply, that I don't mind, losing it all would suck, big time. Lets hope.

Two, buy tickets to see Velvet Revolver with Hoobastank at 9 AM this morning. Obviously this is the important thing and I won't be leaving for the haircut until this is complete. Once the haircut is done, come home, shower all the hair out of head and head into work. The work is going to suck, but at least I get paid overtime. Between all the extra hours yesterday and today, that should be a nice chunk of change. More cash is always a welcome thing.

So I met up with Elena for lunch yesterday and I have to say, I'm still a little disturbed about the whole thing. The food was fine, she had a voice lesson in the area and we met up on my break and headed to Chili's. It was the conversation that was weird. It was like she was trying to piss me off or something, and I don't understand why.

She started by saying that she probably can't sleep at my house anymore, because its too noisy in the morning. Between my mom yelling at us to do stuff, my brother yelling at me to get out of the bathroom, me getting ready to go to work and the dog, she wakes up "annoyed" (her words). I'm sorry, but I can't help it if my entire family works normal 9-5 type jobs and we're all out of the house by 7:30, normally. I also can't help what the dog does in the morning, but usually, if you let him into my bedroom and into the bed, he'll calm down and go to bed. So that comment right there riled me somewhat, but that was nothing compared to what came next.

She started asking me about what I really wanted to do with my film degree. I said that years ago, before I graduated, that I really wanted to go to graduate film school and I wanted to basically direct. She asked what schools I applied to and I said only one, the University of New Orleans because the plan was that no matter what, when I graduated from college I was going to move to New Orleans and be with my then girlfriend, who is now my ex, obviously. Looking back now, that was a horrible idea, but you have to live with the choices you make and learn from them, which is what I did. Elena was asking me if my dream was to direct and I said that back then it was, but that I like what I'm doing now and the people I work with and that I don't have any regrets. Someday I'd like to pick up a digital video camera and play around and learn how to edit stuff, maybe shoot something, someday, but I have other priorities in life right now, like paying off my credit card debts and saving money for the future, whatever it holds.

Its like she couldn't understand that I didn't pursue my dreams like she is currently pursuing hers. Then she went into a whole spiel about how the dreams that I have, of getting married one day, and a house and family were all on the backburner for her now. Thats honestly fine with me, I have no problem with her chasing her dream. I do have a problem with what seemed like her criticizing me for the choices I've made in life. Sure, if I really wanted to I could abandon everything I'm doing and try to break into film, somehow. Chances of me actually making it, less than zero because I have no skills in it, so I'm not even going to bother. I can't go back to the way my life was years ago, like asking my dad for money every month to pay my bills. I can't tell you how satisfying it was to get the job I have now so that I can be somewhat independent (I still live at home, so there's no rent involved). It was like I got my self respect back, and I liked it. I like getting my paycheck every two weeks and paying my bills and feel like I'm making progress in erasing my debt and saving money. It feels good. The only thing I've had to ask my parents for money for recently was for all the problems I was having with my old car's transmission. Thats it. And I was paying my dad back for it too. I can't go back to what I was years ago. Thats not me anymore, and I don't want it to be. And it royally pissed me off when it seemed like she was criticizing me for not going after my dream. Dreams change.

She said she was just trying to get to know me better. We've been dating for almost two years and you don't think you know me? She said that she only knew the surface and that she was trying to get to know what was below that. Odd, indeed. And, to top it off, she was saying a lot of this really loudly. I had to interupt her and tell her I could hear her just fine and that she didn't need to talk so loud. It was bordering on embarassing. So I'm sure we'll have to have another talk about this, because I'm really ticked. I have no problems with how she wants to run her life, but she has no right telling me how I should live mine or making me feel like I've made the wrong choices in life.

Hell, if I made a lot of different choices I probably never would have met her. I know if I never went to New Orleans I'd never have Keyser either. I don't know why I harp on him so much, maybe its because I know that Elena doesn't like him, or dogs in general, but as much as I complain about the dog, he's like the one thing in the world that will always be there for me no matter how bad my day was, no matter what I did. He doesn't care. As long as I feed him and play with him, he's happy and I get the unconditional love from him. I love my dog, dammit.